End of my Rope
by Trixie Black Lestrange
Summary: Why would he continue to suffer if there was an easy way out? Rod-centric.


**I got the idea for this oneshot while researching to write the Hunted Epilogue. I am pleased to present: the Rodolphus that breaks my heart every time I think of him in this way.**

 **Trixie Black Lestrange**

 **(Written in a hotel in Oregon the day after my sister's wedding)**

* * *

He was nearly certain he'd rather be in Azkaban. Or dead. Or anything except the state in which he was currently. No one knew because no one had jeered at him yet. The Dark Lord wanted it kept a secret. Wanted _her_ kept a secret. How long had he had to bear this ridiculous burden? How many years had he wanted something like this to happen to him and Bellatrix, had tried to make it happen over and over...to no avail.

His sorrow meant nothing. His suffering was something to be laughed at. His anger was to be held back at all times unless he wanted to risk torture or death. He could not bear the thought of watching _his wife_ raise the Dark Lord's child.

Rodolphus Lestrange wearily turned to look at himself in the mirror, his mind racing with thoughts though he could not bear to dwell on at all. He was staying with his brother at the moment, sleeping on a second bed in the man's room as he refused to stay with Bellatrix now. He was washing his face when his brother entered the room and stopped.

"Rodolphus?"

"What is it?" Rodolphus growled at him.

"Well, you look like death," Rabastan admitted. "Obviously you're not all right."

Rodolphus straightened up and glared at his little brother. "Would YOU be all right if your wife was unfaithful?" he hissed. "And would you be fine with it if she had a child by another man?"

Rabastan merely looked away. "You know better than the rest of us," he said very quietly. "Bellatrix does what the Dark Lord asks of her. He expects us to do the same, regardless of what it means to us."

"So you'd be perfectly fine with it," Rodolphus scoffed. "So easy for you to say that you'd just do exactly what the Dark Lord wanted no matter what it means to you and your family."

"Those words could mean your death," Rabastan said in concern, looking at his brother carefully. "Rodolphus, you've got to be careful."

"There's nothing left, what does it matter?" Rodolphus muttered. "He's taken everything from me. The least he could do is kill me."

Rabastan gave his brother a disapproving look, then walked by without another word. Rodolphus growled under his breath, a furious anger growing in him as hopelessness grew just as much. There really was no reason for him to stick around, was there?

He took a few deep breaths, then went over to his wardrobe and began to dress to go out. He felt his brother watching him, but the man said nothing and Rodolphus left the room silently, wondering how he was going to pull it off.

Bella's child had been born merely six weeks ago, and he had refused to go see her when she was born. He wanted nothing to do with his wife's child. But now, he thought he might as well pay a visit to her, for if he wasn't going to be sticking around, he wanted to take one of the reasons with him. Merlin knew he'd never prevail against Bellatrix. Sometimes, he still loved the bitch.

It was late enough that no one was out in the hall, and he quickly made his way to the room where he had been told that the baby was. The room was heavily warded, but to his surprise, he was admitted through the wards and shut the door behind him very quietly. It was dimly lit, and he walked over to the cradle, hardly daring to breathe as he looked down at the sleeping child.

Six-week-old Delphini Riddle, her hair as black as her mother's, lay fast asleep in the cradle. Rodolphus was infuriated that a child of two such evil people could look so innocent when she'd completely destroyed his world the moment he was made aware of her conception.

"Why?" he breathed, his anger and hurt melding together as he watched the tiny babe sleep. Of course he knew why she existed: the Dark Lord basically wanted another version of himself. Bellatrix was the most willing option, and being the most powerful Dark witch, she was the obvious choice for the mother of his child. Rodolphus wasn't questioning why she existed, but why it pained him so much.

It would only take a single spell, and he would be rid of her. No one would ever know that she had existed, and he would be tortured out of his mind or killed for doing it. They would lie about him, say that he'd gone mad or that he'd turned against them, and everyone would believe the lies.

Rodolphus slowly reached for his wand. _Avada_ , he thought to himself. It would be so simple. The child would die, and they would come for him. Bella would try to kill him, and he'd go gladly. He was so tired of it all…

He jumped in shock when the baby stirred and let out a tiny cry. He held his breath, then looked down at her and breathed, "Shhh, little one. It's okay…." _It's not okay._

Delphini opened her eyes and Rodolphus watched her in trepidation as she looked up in surprise, her dark, dark eyes wide as she stared at the strange new face. Her tiny little fist reached out toward him, and he couldn't move, his fingers frozen on his wand. He wanted her gone: he couldn't bear the way she seemed to be looking into his soul, seeing everything that he was, his intent and what he was about to do to her.

"Don't," he whispered to her. "Don't look at me—close your eyes, love. Just go peacefully...it's the best way."

"Ah," she said, still watching him. The tiny child yawned, and Rodolphus drew a steadying breath, raising his wand with a trembling hand.

"Shh," he said softly when she wriggled slightly and cooed at him, fascinated by his wand. He took another deep breath, unaware as a hand was silently placed on the doorknob behind him. " **A** — **Avada—** "

Rodolphus Lestrange bowed his head and leaned on the rail of the cradle, breathing heavily. What the hell was he doing, trying to kill a child innocent of her parents' sins? He had no will to do it. It wasn't her fault. He stared down at the little baby that he had tried to kill. Was he really no better than the Dark Lord? This thought stabbed him to the heart, and he thrust his wand back into his pocket, shivering at what he'd been about to do.

Delphini cooed softly, and Rodolphus looked down at her, realising his only option. "I have to protect you," he murmured, watching her in wonder. He reached down, touching her soft little cheek and seeing her respond to his touch. "Merlin help me," he muttered, leaning down and gathering the tiny babe into his arms. "You should be mine, little one. You're not...you're not mine, but I'll be good to you. For your sake."

Rodolphus cradled her closer, looking down into her beautiful black eyes, so like his Bella's. "You are pain," he told her. "Precious little pain. I can't look at you without thinking of what could have been. But life isn't fair...you'll learn that."

He walked the floor with her for a few moments, murmuring to her softly, and she fell asleep again to the low tones of his voice. "—and your mother really is beautiful, so you'd better grow up to look like her. You have a lot to live up to, and I promise I'll help as much as I can. You're in as bad a situation as I am, I suppose. And you're fallen asleep again…."

Rodolphus slowed his walk, stopping at the cradle as he looked down at Delphini asleep in his arms. "I'll do good by you," he whispered. "I won't try that again. Goodnight, Delphi." He pressed the softest kiss to the top of her head, closing his eyes for a moment as intense pain and longing filled him.

"It will be okay," he breathed, trying to convince himself. "Maybe I wasn't meant to have children." He set her in the cradle and backed away, trying to distance himself from the pain. "You're safe with me," he barely whispered, struggling to speak. "If I can't have my own, I won't destroy anyone else's. Not even Bella's."

Rodolphus turned and left the room, still unaware that he'd been watched the entire time. He arrived at his and Bellatrix's old room, touching the old wooden door to steady himself before he opened the door and walked in. Bellatrix was seated on their bed and looked up at him, eyebrow raised.

"To what do I owe this visit?" Bellatrix questioned warily.

"This is our room," Rodolphus answered simply. "We sleep here."

"You ran away from me."

The man scoffed at this. "You do not frighten me, Bellatrix. I would never run from you."

Bellatrix tilted her head and looked at him quizzically. "Running from Delphi? From the Dark Lord?"

"I only run from myself, Bella." Rodolphus walked over and sat down on the other side of the bed.

It was only when the two were lying in bed in complete darkness that Rodolphus turned and murmured to her, "The baby's safe with me, Bella."

He could feel Bella readying a sarcastic reply and braced himself, not in the mood for her attitudes, but she merely answered, "I know."


End file.
